Vacation plans.....

It is officially decided.... we are going back to Disney world this year! Every year, I say "Next year we're going somewhere else".... then we get a cold snap and I start thinking I sure could handle being at the happiest place on earth. Hmmm.... it's all down hill from there. Actually, this weekend I discovered that DISNEY is making the military families and offer I can not refuse, and our vacation will cost less than 250.00 for all 3 of us to have 5 days of park hopper and more passes - PLUS I also can get us into Sea World for a day for free - so basically, I'm just paying for the hotel costs, which is also relatively inexpensive. We stay at www.shadesofgreen.org and if you haven't heard of this hotel, you should check out the gallery. It's pretty amazing.

Sooooo.... we're deciding which character meals we want to go to, and of course we're having another princess makeover at the bibbity bobbity boutique.... and life will be grand for us. We'll leave as soon as I get home from Mississippi, which will be lovely. The girls are wildly excited and the Disney Vacation Planning Video is in our DVD player. This year, we'll be hitting the water parks pretty hard, and the girls can't wait. We bought matching bathing suits, sunglasses and flip flops at the Gymboree last evening and the girls wore them all night long. Now THAT was cute.

***Oh, and for the princess makeovers - Molly wants to be Giselle, and Kate swears she wants to be Cinderella again. We'll see what Kate ends up doing - I guess it's her makeover, but she DID just get a lovely Snow White costume.

A whine......

I don't usually gripe or whine on this blog - nor do I EVER post about my personal relationships- but today, I feel like it - so here it goes...

My first post surgery weekend (other than having guard drill) was relatively uneventful. I did however, learn my former boyfriend who I had been seeing exclusively since early this spring, has been seeing someone else since August. Ouch. This is slightly frustrating for me, as I did not break off the relationship with him until about a month and a half ago. I would have thought (at 48 years old) he would have been beyond that type of stuff - but at the same time, I also learned the girl he is seeing is only 19 - so I guess he was too excited and just couldn't help himself - Poor guy. Anyway - I have other comments on that subject which I will not post - mostly because he's not worth the energy I would expel typing them. THIS IS WHY I AM STILL SINGLE ....

I woke up feeling significantly better today, which is lovely - although I am still sore and amazed at how slowly my body is recovering from this surgery. (Bring on paragraph 2 of "the whine".) I did have a nasty reaction to my pain meds and so I spent most of Friday evening and Saturday being violently ill, and I'm sure that had a dramatic affect on my abdominal pain. I did NOT shovel snow this weekend - although I probably would have, if I hadn't had the vomits.

I started my week with my girls last evening after drill, and Kate promptly jumped on me this morning, sending a shooting pain through my abdomen that I am still recovering from. (I'm continuing my whine into a 3rd paragraph! Can you even believe it?!?!?) Unfortunately, I dropped her immediately when she jumped on me, and so we started off the morning with tears on both of our parts (although I waited until I got in the car, so she wouldn't see me and feel bad...as if my 4 year old has any empathy for me in the first place.) Anyway, I'm not winning any "mother of the year" awards today - just fyi.

ALSO, I discovered that my ex husband took Kate to get her hair trimmed this weekend, and after I had specifically stated I was trying to grow her hair out, so please don't cut it - he had them take 4 inches off! What a jerk.

Since I see no reason to subject you to five paragraphs of whining, and clearly I have nothing good to say, I will shut up now.

Surgery update...

Everything went fine with my surgery yesterday, and I'm feeling really good about the whole event. My Mommy went with me and brought me home, which was lovely. I had originally thought I would just rather do it all by myself and get it over with, but it was nice to have her there. It kept my mind off of what I was actually doing. I am certain I made the right decision.... I have spent a great deal of time praying about it..... several others don't seem to understand though, and had been urging me not to have the procedure. Not helpful.

Anyway, I got home at 3:30 and went to bed, where I remained until 7:00 this morning, when I got up and came to work. The only minor incident was when my incision popped open last night. I called a friend (who happens to be a physician) and was told that if it's been more than 4 hours post surgery and it's just "the skin" that came apart, there is nothing they can do and closing it again will cause an abscess, which will require more surgery! I guess the moral of the story is, be careful cleaning your incisions because if they open, you're screwed. Oh well... Other than that, life is grand and I'm looking forward to guard drill this weekend!

My family is complete...

Or at least as complete as it can be, I have determined. I have been thinking about my plans for my family’s future, and trying to learn from the past. Five years ago, my husband moved out while I was pregnant with Kate, shortly after Emily died. Four years ago this month, Molly, Kate and I completed "the divorce transition" by moving into a townhouse in Ontario... I started "living" that day, and have never been happier. Still, I had always imagined I would be single for a year or two, then meet someone amazing, fall madly in love, get re-married, have another baby and live happily ever after. That was my plan – but plans change.

Roughly a year and a half ago I found myself pregnant. I didn’t tell anyone except for my friends Jeni and Aimee. Admittedly, it wasn’t an “ideal” situation, but I’m quite accustomed to that. After I got over my shock, I was wildly excited and began making plans for my new little one! I was trying on maternity clothes, looking at bassinets, choosing baby names and joyfully admiring my subtly changing figure. I had a plan for our lives - and it was going to work out beautifully. Then my baby died. I often wonder what life would be like today, if my Olivia Emersyn had been born alive. She would be 7 months old now and a pure delight to each of us, I know. Still, her brief presence in my life made me certain of one thing… I cannot endure another loss. I do my very best to cope with the difference between what I wanted my life to be, and what it actually is. However I know for sure, when I have more children in Heaven than have survived here on Earth (and after 5 pregnancies, we discovered there is a genetic reason for that) it’s time for me to quit. I have other medical issues, which have been a significant factor in my decision as well. I am still very open to the idea of having more children in my life…I would very much welcome that through adoption or remarriage. I’m just done birthing them.

I am having surgery tomorrow morning at 11:00am, to ensure I do not have any more pregnancies. I *believe* I will be just fine with this emotionally…. I really do. But, if you happen to have a few prayers available, I wouldn’t mind you sending them up for me.

I am attaching a picture of my new tattoo I got on Emily’s 5th Angel Day, in August. This is SO incredibly special to me because of it’s symbolism. Obviously “Hope” is Emily’s middle name, but it has become the theme for my life. The sunflower represents a phenomenal experience I had in Spain one afternoon, when I felt a tremendous closeness with my Emily. Each green leaf represents one of my children, and the two beside each other represent Molly and Kate, growing up together. You have to look hard, but the initials M, E, K, G and O are also in the design, representing Molly, Emily, Katie, Gabriel and Olivia. I thought it was pretty awesome and it’s always with me even, though it’s covered 99% of the time. It’s for me, not the world to see – and that’s just fine.

How to paint a cat

In case you were wondering how we spent our new years eve this year, we were at my friend Aimee's house, painting her cat. Between Aimee, her triplets, Molly, Kate and Me, the cat had a REALLY good coat of food coloring on him before the evening was over. As it turns out, cats (at least this one) don't seem to mind being softly stroked by a silky paint brush. Our cat actually fell asleep during the process. Let me just say.... you haven't lived until you've painted a cat!

I forgot to post...

I guess this shows how busy I've been. I forgot to post our family pictures we had taken in October. If you want to see them, you'll have to log on pretty quick... as they disappear after 90 days, which will be up around the 8th, I believe.


http://www.photoreflect.com/scripts/prsm.dll?eventthumbs?event=01WA4OF7&b=0&t=-1&start=0&password=gurik

These are the very best pictures my girls have had taken, and I just dearly love them..... They're SO cute.... I have such a nice little family.


****Edited to add: Katie took the picture of Molly giving me bunny ears. I loved it so much, I ordered it in a 5x7! Molly is so proud to have her witty humor displayed, and of course Kat always announces that SHE took that picture at the studio, all by herself - which is totally true. The photographer handed her the camera and told her to point and shoot. She did quite well, if I do say so myself.

Life was great in 2008... but life will be FINE in 2009!

That is my theme for the New Year approaching! As usual, the end of the year brings a nostalgic feeling – and as I reflect on 2008, there is not a thing I would change… and I love that. I am perhaps one of the most blessed people in this world, and I believe that with all of my heart. I have the most amazing “little people” who live with me – and I can’t imagine what my life would be like without my daughters.

In 2008, Kate grew exponentially, and her personality changed more than any other year. She is just delightful, especially when you have her one on one. She loves to help out and is very sensitive…believe it nor not! She is an “old soul” in a very young body – and she has some amazing gifts she will give this world. I imagine with great anticipation, what my beautiful daughter will grow and become.

In 2008, Molly also grew and matured. She is officially a “tween” now, and although she is more often embarrassed by mom than not, she still enjoys our special time together. I am sad to see she is not into the “little girl things” like she used to be, but at the same time – I love to see her develop into someone I can have long and delightful conversations with. I’m really beginning to know and understand her on a whole new level – and that’s pretty exciting. Molly is just an awesome person.

As for me – 2008 has been a year of learning – that’s for sure. I began Volunteering in February for the Pediatric Palliative Care Team at our Local Children’s Hospital. This is the same team that took care of Emily when she was in the Pediatric ICU. Now, 5 years later, I visit the parents in the PICU and spend time with the children who are in need of palliative (comfort care) services. I typically go up every weekend I don’t have the girls and don’t drill with the National Guard – which means I’m there once or twice a month – and I LOVE it. On a less positive, but equally important note, I have been actively involved with the legal system since February as a result of my stalker – but I have taken control of my life again, and that is an amazing feeling. As I always say, you may not be able to prevent being victimized – but you can refuse to be a victim. Life is not about what happens to you – it’s about what you DO with what happens to you. I am thankful to “L” in some small fashion, for helping me to establish healthy boundaries. This year was also my 5th year of grieving Emily’s death – which was significant. Our “Emily week” was one of the most difficult it has ever been, and this year ~Angel day~ was practically unbearable. BUT, with a very special group of friends and family surrounding me, I made it through and am better for it. As excruciating as it was, I think it’s good (even years later) to feel the intensity of one’s pain for a little while. It’s a reminder that our loved one was here, and they remain a part of us. BUT MOSTLY, I’ve been thinking about the best things we accomplished in 2008, and of course the first thing that comes to mind would be the DISNEY trip! We had an amazing time. We also had a great time when we went to Niagara falls twice, as well as a couple of other weekend trips away. This year, we discovered “Castaway Bay” and that is our new favorite hangout. By far though, the best thing about 2008 has been the growth of friendships. I am SO blessed with wonderful friends. Whether it was an old friendship I sought out after having lost track of each other for years, or a new friend I discovered through a group, I am thankful for each of you and look forward to continuing our fabulous relationship. I am amazed at the people God places in your life, just exactly when you need them. Nothing in this world is random…. I am convinced of that. Every life event given to us is a tool – we just need to pay attention, and learn how to use it.

In 2008, I have gained SO much….. And probably one of the most important things ever – I got my sister back!!!!! Chrissy and I never got along as young children, and certainly not as teenagers! After my Emily died, when I was hurting so deeply - I lost contact with Chrissy, as I pushed many people out of my life. It was self preservation. In January 2008 I received a phone call from an out of state number, and reluctantly answered. The voice on the other end said very quietly “Missy, don’t hang up.” (insert long pause here) “This is Chrissy, and I was wondering how you’re doing.”… needless to say, she had my full and undivided attention. I am elated to report I have the most amazing little nephew ever, and have a new niece or nephew on the way in March! I also have grown to love (and deeply respect) my new brother in law to be, Jamie. He is a truly incredible man, who I would do anything for. He is a wonderful partner (and soon to be Husband) to Chrissy, and an absolutely amazing father. He is wonderful to our family, and I am thrilled to have him as part of my life. Chrissy is an awesome mother, and we are developing a wonderful friendship together. I am elated to have a sister in my life, who I can relate to.

2009 will be a very full year for my little family. Molly will turn 10 - and Kate will turn 5. We have a HUGE birthday party planned for August 15th (so save the date.) and it should be a LOT of fun. Sooner than that, we have a Valentines Day trip planned to Niagara Falls! My girls will be bringing their friends A and A – who are sisters. A1 is Molly’s 12 year old friend who comes to Niagara Falls with us each year. A2 is Kate’s friend (who is just 3 days younger than her) and this will be her first trip to Canada. I *might* be crazy for taking a 12 year old, 9 year old and two 4 year olds to Canada by myself…. It’s possible, but we’re making memories and strengthening friendships – so nothing else matters…right? I will be on active duty for part of this year, leaving for Mississippi in May and not returning until roughly August. This will be tough for me and the girls – but it is something I need to do, in order to be able to provide for our futures and ensure our stability. It is not an option – especially with this economy. On a positive note, we have a week long trip to Virginia Beach and Colonial Williamsburg scheduled with my friend Aimee and her 4 year old triplets sometime upon my return, so that should be fabulous.

Looking back, I can say life WAS great in 2008…. But life will be FINE in 2009! Wishing each of you a “FINE” 2009!