My family is complete...

Or at least as complete as it can be, I have determined. I have been thinking about my plans for my family’s future, and trying to learn from the past. Five years ago, my husband moved out while I was pregnant with Kate, shortly after Emily died. Four years ago this month, Molly, Kate and I completed "the divorce transition" by moving into a townhouse in Ontario... I started "living" that day, and have never been happier. Still, I had always imagined I would be single for a year or two, then meet someone amazing, fall madly in love, get re-married, have another baby and live happily ever after. That was my plan – but plans change.

Roughly a year and a half ago I found myself pregnant. I didn’t tell anyone except for my friends Jeni and Aimee. Admittedly, it wasn’t an “ideal” situation, but I’m quite accustomed to that. After I got over my shock, I was wildly excited and began making plans for my new little one! I was trying on maternity clothes, looking at bassinets, choosing baby names and joyfully admiring my subtly changing figure. I had a plan for our lives - and it was going to work out beautifully. Then my baby died. I often wonder what life would be like today, if my Olivia Emersyn had been born alive. She would be 7 months old now and a pure delight to each of us, I know. Still, her brief presence in my life made me certain of one thing… I cannot endure another loss. I do my very best to cope with the difference between what I wanted my life to be, and what it actually is. However I know for sure, when I have more children in Heaven than have survived here on Earth (and after 5 pregnancies, we discovered there is a genetic reason for that) it’s time for me to quit. I have other medical issues, which have been a significant factor in my decision as well. I am still very open to the idea of having more children in my life…I would very much welcome that through adoption or remarriage. I’m just done birthing them.

I am having surgery tomorrow morning at 11:00am, to ensure I do not have any more pregnancies. I *believe* I will be just fine with this emotionally…. I really do. But, if you happen to have a few prayers available, I wouldn’t mind you sending them up for me.

I am attaching a picture of my new tattoo I got on Emily’s 5th Angel Day, in August. This is SO incredibly special to me because of it’s symbolism. Obviously “Hope” is Emily’s middle name, but it has become the theme for my life. The sunflower represents a phenomenal experience I had in Spain one afternoon, when I felt a tremendous closeness with my Emily. Each green leaf represents one of my children, and the two beside each other represent Molly and Kate, growing up together. You have to look hard, but the initials M, E, K, G and O are also in the design, representing Molly, Emily, Katie, Gabriel and Olivia. I thought it was pretty awesome and it’s always with me even, though it’s covered 99% of the time. It’s for me, not the world to see – and that’s just fine.