Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Life was great in 2008... but life will be FINE in 2009!


That is my theme for the New Year approaching! As usual, the end of the year brings a nostalgic feeling – and as I reflect on 2008, there is not a thing I would change… and I love that. I am perhaps one of the most blessed people in this world, and I believe that with all of my heart. I have the most amazing “little people” who live with me – and I can’t imagine what my life would be like without my daughters.

In 2008, Kate grew exponentially, and her personality changed more than any other year. She is just delightful, especially when you have her one on one. She loves to help out and is very sensitive…believe it nor not! She is an “old soul” in a very young body – and she has some amazing gifts she will give this world. I imagine with great anticipation, what my beautiful daughter will grow and become.

In 2008, Molly also grew and matured. She is officially a “tween” now, and although she is more often embarrassed by mom than not, she still enjoys our special time together. I am sad to see she is not into the “little girl things” like she used to be, but at the same time – I love to see her develop into someone I can have long and delightful conversations with. I’m really beginning to know and understand her on a whole new level – and that’s pretty exciting. Molly is just an awesome person.

As for me – 2008 has been a year of learning – that’s for sure. I began Volunteering in February for the Pediatric Palliative Care Team at our Local Children’s Hospital. This is the same team that took care of Emily when she was in the Pediatric ICU. Now, 5 years later, I visit the parents in the PICU and spend time with the children who are in need of palliative (comfort care) services. I typically go up every weekend I don’t have the girls and don’t drill with the National Guard – which means I’m there once or twice a month – and I LOVE it. On a less positive, but equally important note, I have been actively involved with the legal system since February as a result of my stalker – but I have taken control of my life again, and that is an amazing feeling. As I always say, you may not be able to prevent being victimized – but you can refuse to be a victim. Life is not about what happens to you – it’s about what you DO with what happens to you. I am thankful to “L” in some small fashion, for helping me to establish healthy boundaries. This year was also my 5th year of grieving Emily’s death – which was significant. Our “Emily week” was one of the most difficult it has ever been, and this year ~Angel day~ was practically unbearable. BUT, with a very special group of friends and family surrounding me, I made it through and am better for it. As excruciating as it was, I think it’s good (even years later) to feel the intensity of one’s pain for a little while. It’s a reminder that our loved one was here, and they remain a part of us. BUT MOSTLY, I’ve been thinking about the best things we accomplished in 2008, and of course the first thing that comes to mind would be the DISNEY trip! We had an amazing time. We also had a great time when we went to Niagara falls twice, as well as a couple of other weekend trips away. This year, we discovered “Castaway Bay” and that is our new favorite hangout. By far though, the best thing about 2008 has been the growth of friendships. I am SO blessed with wonderful friends. Whether it was an old friendship I sought out after having lost track of each other for years, or a new friend I discovered through a group, I am thankful for each of you and look forward to continuing our fabulous relationship. I am amazed at the people God places in your life, just exactly when you need them. Nothing in this world is random…. I am convinced of that. Every life event given to us is a tool – we just need to pay attention, and learn how to use it.

In 2008, I have gained SO much….. And probably one of the most important things ever – I got my sister back!!!!! Chrissy and I never got along as young children, and certainly not as teenagers! After my Emily died, when I was hurting so deeply - I lost contact with Chrissy, as I pushed many people out of my life. It was self preservation. In January 2008 I received a phone call from an out of state number, and reluctantly answered. The voice on the other end said very quietly “Missy, don’t hang up.” (insert long pause here) “This is Chrissy, and I was wondering how you’re doing.”… needless to say, she had my full and undivided attention. I am elated to report I have the most amazing little nephew ever, and have a new niece or nephew on the way in March! I also have grown to love (and deeply respect) my new brother in law to be, Jamie. He is a truly incredible man, who I would do anything for. He is a wonderful partner (and soon to be Husband) to Chrissy, and an absolutely amazing father. He is wonderful to our family, and I am thrilled to have him as part of my life. Chrissy is an awesome mother, and we are developing a wonderful friendship together. I am elated to have a sister in my life, who I can relate to.

2009 will be a very full year for my little family. Molly will turn 10 - and Kate will turn 5. We have a HUGE birthday party planned for August 15th (so save the date.) and it should be a LOT of fun. Sooner than that, we have a Valentines Day trip planned to Niagara Falls! My girls will be bringing their friends A and A – who are sisters. A1 is Molly’s 12 year old friend who comes to Niagara Falls with us each year. A2 is Kate’s friend (who is just 3 days younger than her) and this will be her first trip to Canada. I *might* be crazy for taking a 12 year old, 9 year old and two 4 year olds to Canada by myself…. It’s possible, but we’re making memories and strengthening friendships – so nothing else matters…right? I will be on active duty for part of this year, leaving for Mississippi in May and not returning until roughly August. This will be tough for me and the girls – but it is something I need to do, in order to be able to provide for our futures and ensure our stability. It is not an option – especially with this economy. On a positive note, we have a week long trip to Virginia Beach and Colonial Williamsburg scheduled with my friend Aimee and her 4 year old triplets sometime upon my return, so that should be fabulous.

Looking back, I can say life WAS great in 2008…. But life will be FINE in 2009! Wishing each of you a “FINE” 2009!

Friday, December 26, 2008

I am SO in love...

...with these beautiful children. Aren't they cute? I think so...

This year, my girls woke up at their father's house, and I brought them home at 11:30, just in time to open one gift from Santa, and then go to lunch with my Dad's side of the family. They were *mostly* well behaved, other than one incident of a tounge sticking out of a little 4 year old's mouth. Hmmmmm.....Anyway... the picture above is my favorite picture from Christmas. Molly's face is priceless. She squealed and gave Santa QUITE a wonderful compliment, which I will keep to myslf, but still beam with pride when I replay it in my head. My prayer for next year is that she still believes in Santa like this, so I can have yet another magical year of excitement and wonder with her.

As expected, both girls received several dress up costumes - all Disney princess, of course - AND some rockin' art supplies! ( Remeber, I said I *thought that might happen??? I am Soooooo Good!)

This is Molly opening her favorite gift. It was a message in a bottle from Santa (you can see the bottle to the left, beside the sofa.) The message was VERY flattering to Molly, explaining how good a child she has been. Then Santa went on to explain that Molly, Kate and I will be "special guests" at Castaway Bay at a date Mommy chooses. Santa even told Molly that he LOVES visiting her home, in spite of the fact he has to "step over Darwin" when he comes in! Molly thought that was great. She is our resident "Darwin watcher" making sure he isn't stepped on by anyone as they enter the home, since he loves to hang out by the front door.


Kate had a little bit of trouble with her snow white shoes, and that was really our only stressful moment of the day. Kate's feet have grown significantly since Santa's cobblers created these princess shoes for her in their workshop. I guess Santa (in his attempts to do advance planing for my children) didn't really think about that - since Kate's feet have essenitally been the same size for the past year! Anyway, I was awfully tired and a bit short for a few minutes as we were trying to pry the shoes on her feet. I eventually had to make small cuts in them behind the bow, to allow them to go on her feet. Now they fit perfectly. I should explain that is was because of my attempts to really keep the belief in Santa going, that I was SO tired. I always bring home boxes and leave out gift wrap for Santa on Christmas eve. THAT way, no one recognizes the wrapping paper as that which has been in our laundry room for ages. ALSO... there is a notable reason that Kate's present *might be* wrapped in Molly's shoe box on Christmas morning, with a tag from Santa.... it's because WE purposely left that box for him to use. I must thank my Aunt J and cousin L for this wonderful idea, which evolved following one traumatic Christmas morning, involving a shoe box and "Santa" tag. Anyway.... My POINT is I was very, VERY tired on Christmas day a result of my late night gift wrapping adventures. I was up until 4:00am wrapping gifts for the girls in the paper and boxes we left out! Next year, I've GOT to come up with a better plan.....



This is Molly's special dress up gown. It's "Giselle"... the newest Disney princess. She desperately wanted this gown, and so Santa really splurged on it this year. Interestingly, in the movie - Giselle has some silk worms who spin the thread for her, and her forest creatures help her create this beautiful wedding dress. As it turns out, ALL of the silk worms live in Andalasia (where Giselle is from) and so Santa was unable to have them help him with the gown. As a result, Santa had to buy this dress at the Disney store - and he accidentally left the tag on. Oops... silly Santa! I thought for a minute that Mr. Claus *might have been busted* ....but when I gave the whole "silk worm" explanation (off the top of my head, thank you VERY much) Molly just said "Oh, well that makes sense..." and moved on. *** Whew! The words of my mother kept coming back to me ..."Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive..." I don't know how much longer I can keep spinning this web of Santa lies....




Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas!


May Peace, HOPE and Love find its way to you, this holiday season and always....

















Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Christmas planning...

I have to share these adorable pictures of the girls visiting Santa. I LOVE that Molly still has such a strong belief in "The Christmas spirit"...if you KNOW what I mean! (wink, wink)

Kate is SUCH a cutie.... she REALLY wanted Santa to know she is 4 years old this year!


These are MY little elves! Aren't they just adorable? : ) In spite of the economy, my girls are going to have a FABULOUS Christmas! I am SO excited...I made a Coupon book for both girls, with 18 coupons per book (to be used throughout the year) for things like ...A day with just Mom... dinner and a movie at home, their choice!... a picnic day at Mohican....a day at our "home spa" complete with facials, hair do's and manicures... an afternoon at Kingwood Center..... a day at COSI (our local science museum) with Dippin' Dots icecream!... a day at the Columbus Zoo and also the Newport Aquarium... a day exploring somewhere we've never been before....Art day (we will go to an art museum of their choice, and then come home and work on a special art project like one they have seen.) I also added A day playing in the fountains at Easton Town Center, and lunch out in Columbus.... "Darwin Day", where we will buy "bling" at our local craft store and decorate our tortoises shell with new and excting designs to be posted on the blog....
I'm giving them each their coupon book in a small treasure chest they can paint! I have a VERY strong suspicion Santa will be bring them some rockin' art supplies this year, so it should be pretty neat! They're also each getting a "message in a bottle" from Santa, complete with sand and shells - which entitles us to a family day at Castaway Bay! I'll let you know how this idea goes over.....


Tuesday, December 9, 2008

My wish for you...



"May you allow fear to soften and melt away. May you release all regrets and resentments. May you see the world with wonder, and may you imagine only good things. May HOPE rise within you. May peace wash over you. May you hear the voice of wisdom, and listening, may you act with trust. May your heart soften. May joy emerge. May love flow through you, and may you heal, and help others."

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Misty and Persephone


These are the newest members of our family. Both arrived last week, just before Thanksgiving. "Misty" whose proper name is "mist walker dreamer" is a leopard gecko, who is native to Afghanistan. She is sweet and wonderful, and a beautiful shade of yellow, blue, purple and brown and black stripes. She is striped as a juvenile, and as she grows, she will become spotted. She should not exceed 10 inches in length, and will live in captivity for approximately 20 years. The girls are VERY much looking forward to growing up with her. Especially Molly, who has really taken Misty under her wing. Molly came up with the name "mist walker" after a book she is reading about wild horses in Hawaii. I thought it fitting. Kate immediately advised she wanted to name her "dreamer" and I also thought that was fitting. He has decided now, we need to change her name to "pinkish" which makes no sense to me, since she is in no way "pinkish" - so we are not doing it. Sorry Kate. The world is tough.... best to learn that now.

This is "Persephone"... otherwise known to us as "Percy". Percy has a sweet and wonderful story. She was given to me by one of my hospice patients, who has had her for 14 years! She is an African clawed frog, whose life expectancy should be only 4 years! She has more than tripled that. My patient was VERY concerned that Percy would end up in a pond somewhere when she passes on, and so is was bringing her a great deal of stress. After much debate and discussion, I advised I am VERY familiar with exotic pets (interject conversation about Darwin here) and I would be VERY glad to make sure Percy lives out the rest of her days as "the queen" of the 10 gallon hexagon aquarium in my girls room. Percy, like Misty, is sweet and wonderful - and croaks all evening long. My patient advised that means she is content. I certainly hope so.




* On a side note, the police investigation is well underway with my stalker situation, and the girls and I remain safe at this time. We appreciate all the prayers and good thoughts that have been coming our way.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Wish me luck.....

Well friends... today is an exciting day. I am nervous but looking forward to the experience I will have this evening. I am giving a VERY long (45 minute) presentation about grief and surviving the holidays. I have quite a bit of my presentation prepared, and the rest of the time will be spent as a question and answer period, where I will be forced to "fly by the seat of my pants"... so to speak. I can't believe people are actually coming out to listen to ME talk about grief! Who would have thought. I look forward to educating the community, and hopefully helping others get through this difficult holiday season. I pray my words are helpful to someone; and I pray my experience with grief benefits others in some fashion.


On a completely unrelated but equally important subject..... if you're the praying type, I would appreciate a few. True to form, my stalker has started his pattern again. A Friend of mine received a very threatening note left on the door this week, advising that my stalker "will bury" me. Needless to say - tensions are high for me and for my friend, who is an innocent victim of this sordid past I have with this psychotic man. I am angry - not for me, but instead- because my stalker has consistently victimized those I care about in my life - including the vandalism of my daughters grave in July and August this year. Additionally, when I returned home from our family Thanksgiving dinner last evening, I also found a threatening note at my front door, with the same message. I have contacted the police and have taken further preventative measures. So much for restraining orders.....

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

From our family to yours.....


Happy Thanksgiving! I know we all have things to be thankful for..... If you're reading this - you're special in my life, no matter if we see each other, talk on the phone, or just check up on each other through our family blogs.
Sending everyone much love, this Thanksgiving and every day...

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Favorite photos

These are some of my favorite pictures from Spain and Portugal. I just had to share them.....

This is a garden in the city of Ronda, where the bridge that i so dearly love, is located and I did a LOT of rock climbing and hiking,
This is the Plaza De Espana, where scene 9 in Starwars Episode II was filmed.

This is where i went cliff diving in Portugal


This is a perfect pool of water formed below the Cueva Del Gato, just south of Ronda Spain



This is part of the Roman Ruins in Italica Spain, just west of Sevilla.




Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Names in the Sand


I have to share something wonderful a friend of mine named Emily is doing. She has a blog on Blogger called "Names in the sand" where you can submit the name of a loved one who has died, and she forward the information to her sister, who loves on the North shore of Oahu Hawaii. Her sister then goes out to the beach and writes their names in the sand. Below are the names of my angels, she wrote in the sand for me just yesterday. I am printing these photos off and putting them in a memorry album.....



Below is a picture I took in Southern Spain a few summers ago. Everywhere I go, I always write Emily's name in the sand, and this particular location is the base of the Rock of Gibraltar. It's not the best angle, but it was the only way I could get the rock, water and her name. I have always loved this picture.







Monday, November 17, 2008

Post Secret..... and other good stuff

I have to mention, I was wildly excited yesterday afternoon, when I logged onto one of my favorite websites "Post Secret" and discovered MY SECRET was posted on the web page! I have included a few "examples" from several weeks for those who don't know about "Post Secret".
Post Secret is a "community art project" where people take images and write their secrets on them, and mail them to Frank Warren, who lives at Copperridge Rd, in Germantown Maryland. He receives about 1500 per week, and separates out his favorite, posting them on line every Sunday morning. Usually there are between 6 and 20 on line and THIS week - mine is among them.


I have to say it feels SO incredibly good to have MY secret be no longer a "secret". It's somewhat validating. ANYWAY...Frank Warren has compiled 4 books from the many secrets he has received, and the profits of these books go to benefit 1-800-suicide, a non profit suicide helpline.

Oh, and before I forget to mention, I bought my new sofa on Friday, and am wildly excited about it. This is the new sofa in my living room. YAY me. It was the last piece of furniture I needed to replace from the divorce. Now everything is officially MINE and wasn't OURS. I LOVE that feeling, and even 4 years later, find it wonderfully healing.....



Friday, November 7, 2008

How to ride a wild boar....

The wolves are curious, but as Kate learned.... definitely NOT on the attack! Her fear of Wolves, at least for now, seems to be cured. Molly demonstrates the curiosity of said wolf.....
Too cute for words.....


Kate demonstrates how to rde a wild boar side saddle. She's SO creative.



Enjoying our last day of indian summer, before the cold weather blows in.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Molly approved.....


I have to share this.... Molly brought home her planner for school, and at the top of the page was written this slogan: "I'm Molly Gurik, and I aprove this message." I asked her if she had been told to write this at school, and she said no - it was her own idea. How cute. Molly has been following the election closely and keeping tabs on issues. Our local area runs an advertisement which shows images of howling wolves and begins with... "The wolves are on the attack.... wolves hiding as lobbyists in Washington...." Kate is now terrified - not only wolves, but also that anyone who goes to Washington will be attacked by them. She now asks me daily if I ever have to go to Washington, and I assure her I do not. Our plane DID land in Washington DC on the way home from Disney in August, and she has commented we were certainly fortunate not to have been attacked while there! . I had fancied the idea of a weekend trip to DC with them next year, but I think I'd better let Kat's fear subside first. *sigh.....Other than a newly developed fear of wolves, we are all just fine.....
*Edited to add: PLEASE remember to get out and VOTE tomorrow, if you haven't voted early!!!!!

Monday, October 6, 2008

They're not edible - but I CAN make....

FABULOUS flower arrangements! YAY for me. I may be a terrible cook, but my home looks and smells lovely.
These are all arrangements I created for Emily's grave recently. The Gerber Daisies were fabulous - and as it turns out, deer LOVE to eat them. They were beautiful for only a few days before being munched - but I'm sure Sweet Emmy got a chuckle out of having these lovely creatures all round her special spot.
I tool this arrangement out for her birthday, and I was SO pleased.... the sunflowers I grew myself, and the others were all purchased by my lovely mother. How perfect it was, that 3 sunflowers (representing each of my daughters) bloomed on the morning of August 25th! THAT was my angel working, I just know it!

These are the sunflowers I took out a few weeks ago. Again, I grew all of them myself, and sadly "IKE" blew through our area and took all of them down. These were the only survivors. We do have one small sunflower blooming this morning, and Kate pointed it out to me with glee. I was thrilled.
This is an arrangement from last fall
This is a traditional white arrangement. I always take white flowers on Emily's angel day, and this year, I really outdid myself. I was SO proud, I had my friend Jeni take a photo of me with it! How vain am I ...

Friday, October 3, 2008

Interesting use of an oven...

My Sweet Cousins L and L have been gleefully bantering back and forth on their blogs all summer long. They blog about wonderful veggies from their CSA deliveries, creative recipes from their fabulous cook books and their vine ripened tomatoes (still on the vine) which are free for anyone to take - and I would, if I lived within 500 miles of said tomatoes. I have very much enjoyed the "photo show quality" pictures (especially this weeks shots of the 3 legged carrot) posted by my dear cousin L. I have to admit they are pretty enough, I am actually tempted to eat a vegetable! However, It has been pointed out to me throughout the summer months, I have posted NO beautiful photos of my cooking creations!... So I figure this picture is long overdue. Pictured above is the lovely Tostitos pizza I made for dinner last night. I followed the directions on the box exactly, and I just don't understand what happened. Please note, there are NO shadows on this picture.... the poor pizza REALLY IS that black! Also, I will not be offended if you laugh out loud at this picture. Even I laughed when I walked into the kitchen and found my dinner in this sad, sad state. On a positive note, my monthly check of my smoke detectors is now complete and they are in working order!
Above is a photo sent to me by a friend, of the Green Veggies in her local store. Please look VERY carefully at the picture, and note why (at the age of 32) I still refuse to eat anything that's green.... I have a terrible chlorophyll allergy.... true story. Well - maybe not completely true....
This photo, I took myself. They are the lovely sunflowers I grew in my front yard. I simply adore sunflowers. I grow them every year, and as part of my "green living" I use them to block the sun coming in my front window, which heats up my living room almost unbearably. These sunflowers cut my air conditioning usage significantly, and save me approximately $10-15 per month in energy costs! If I may say so, did a mighty fine job with them this year. I openly admit I do NOT have lovely cooking creations in my home, but I always have lovely flower arrangements. That is a separate post, which will be coming soon....
Finally, look at this adorable child. She's just beautiful! I GREW HER all by myself! It's true!!! And check out that attitude..... who could grow a child with such attitude, other than me. She was aggravated because I made her sit in about 30 chairs and proceeded to take pictures of her in each one. We are furniture shopping, and I need her to sit in each chair, so when I get the photos home, I know approximately how large the chair is - based on the amount of room Kate takes up in said chair. This IS the chair we are going to purchase (I have finally decided) and I look forward to having it in my home. It's a bit "loud" but that's OK. I will find a fabulous sage pillow to rest in the corner, and it will look stunning in my living room.

*********Edited to add: My new favorite song is called "Angels on the Moon" by Thriving Ivory. If you have not heard this song, you absolutely HAVE to listen to it. Maybe it just speaks to me - but WOW... what a song! Oh, and "Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas is still running a close second. What wonderful music is out there these days!!!!




Thursday, October 2, 2008

A Loooooonng overdue update....

This is (embarrassingly enough) only my 2nd update in a month but I promise to do better from here, updating at least a couple of times a week. Here's the rundown on our lives:
Molly is STILL involved in cheer leading for the 5Th grade boys football team, which she loves. Cheer leading STILL consumes at least 3-5 nights per week for us, so I do NOT love it - but it's over in 2 weeks - thank goodness. Nevertheless, it's continuing to bring Molly (who can be an introvert from time to time) out of her shell - which is worth it. I should note: The 5th grade boys have not won a single game this season, and they only have 2 left. This is NOT because of a lack of her awesome cheer leading. I believe it is because the boys are too busy turning around staring at the 3rd grade girl cheerleaders, to pay attention to the darn game! Having an adorable baby and toddler is awesome..... having an adorable 3rd grader - not so much! I'm starting to notice the boys "noticing" my daughter, and I'm REALLY not into that. I heard 2 little boys riding their bikes (very slowly) down our street the other day, and one of them said "That's where MOLLY lives...." and they both giggled. Hmmmmmm....... Molly ALSO pointed out to me that the word "S-E-X" is written in the upper right hand corner of seat 16 on Bus 11 in BLACK INK!!! Holy goodness!!!! I asked her if that word "had meaning" to her, and she blushed as she responded.... "Yes Mom, it means you're HOT!" ........


Kate is sweet and wonderful, as always. She is still VERY opinionated and strong willed, and has been challenging me quite a bit. She was negotiating for a barbie Christmas ornament at Hallmark the other day, and I had to keep from laughing out loud when she very seriously said "Now Mommy, if I agree to put this back like you asked, I will need YOU to buy ME an Ice Cream cone, for my excellent behavior and listening skills!" ....wow. I've clearly taught her well.
I am back from my Active Duty stint here in town. Life was extremely hectic for the last 6 weeks, as I have been working 3 jobs; including my traditional national guard duties, my active duty job and also my Civilian Job. I am looking forward to having some time to breathe sometime in the near future - however, the next available date on which I do not have any pressing obligations is Sunday October 19th. I am counting down the days...
Oh, and before I forget to mention - Molly has taken an interest in my flute and can already make sounds with the mouth piece! I am seriously thinking about taking it to the shop and having it re padded for her. I have told Molly and Kate they WILL be in the band - so they'd better start thinking about which instrument they wish to play, because it's not optional! I will allow them to choose whatever they like, but I'm thinking flute or clarinet for Molly, as she will be getting braces in 5th grade and brass is probably not the best bet for her. Kate (I can tell already) will be playing the drums - which my aunt from Illinois will appreciate I am sure! Maybe we can progress to the Oboe and have Lousin L teach us how to make our own reeds. I did always think that was incredibly cool!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

An update?!?!?

Can it POSSIBLY be that I am updating my blog??? YES..... I am. Finally. I apologize for the delay in doing so. I have been called to active duty at my home station, and have not had access to my blog - and have been so busy trying to keep up with both jobs, that honestly, I just have not had time. I will return to my civilian job full time on October 1st though - which will be lovely.

Molly and Kate have been wonderful, I must say. Molly is now involved in cheer leading and loves it. I do NOT love the 2-5 night's per week it takes from our schedule - but it is an activity and kids need those to feel involved I guess - so we'll continue with it. Kat has decided she is also a cheerleader and follows Molly around constantly, doing the same cheers. She has learned most of them.

We do not have much else going on right now, other than keeping up with work, school and trying to sleep on occasion. I am greatly anticipating the day when life returns to normal - or as close to normal as possible.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Five years later...

"How very softly you tiptoed into our world.
Almost silently - and only a moment you stayed.
But what an imprint you have left
upon our hearts."


Five years ago, in the immediate aftermath of my daughter’s death, when my loss was nearly incapacitating; someone who had suffered a similar blow offered me this prognosis: My aching would stop. My wound would heal over. The raw pain would subside, but my loss would stay with me forever, like an inoperable yet non fatal heart murmur. The injury wouldn't always restrict my mobility, nor would it preclude my capacity for love and joy. And allowed to cure under the right conditions (given adequate space and time) my loss would age and mellow into something sweet and dignified - something endured. The hole would fill in enough to reveal a new perspective; adding depth to my character and throughout my lifetime, helping me focus on the bigger picture. For that blessing, I was told I would be grateful.

Someone else, another well seasoned traveler along the journey through grief, told me I would one day be able to rest my loss upon a shelf of my closet, where it would remain inconspicuous but always present. Like an old coat I was attached to but seldom wore, my loss would become a better fit. Occasionally, I would stumble upon it while looking for something else. Perhaps I would take it off the shelf and examine it. In time, I would try it on – and I would begin to notice as the years went by, the fit had become increasingly comfortable. Eventually (and this was the unbelievable thing the man told me) I might purposely seek it out from time to time, finding some measure of peace in its weight upon my shoulders. In any case it would be mine forever, and I would never be able to donate it to the Salvation Army - nor in the end would I wish to.

More than one person who had fallen into to the depths of despair (and then found their way out) predicted I would soon discover that societies’ perception of grief is largely inadequate. Only the uninitiated speak of "getting over it" or "moving on." Only the blissfully ignorant believe it is possible or even desirable to put a thing like this behind us, as though it were a foolish investment or a bad meal. The reality is, it’s not possible to outrun it, even if we wanted to. Our best hope is to come to terms with our pain; allowing it to become part of who we are and even how we survive from one day to the next.

There are no definitive answers to the question "Why?"… only theories. There is no "period of mourning"… only the rest of our lives. And so five years down the road it has come to pass – My aching has stopped.

My heart murmur - although incurable, does not keep me down. My loss rests upon its shelf, but gathers no dust. I bring it down frequently, but not obsessively. I look over it regularly, and it still has lessons to teach me. I am more conscious than ever of life's fragility and uncertainty; and I appreciate (more than I did five years ago) the importance of being grateful for those we have for as long as we have them. I understand in a way I never could before, that life is shorter than we think - and that’s a good thing to know. "Why" is no longer the pressing question it once was - It now seems beside the point. My loss is not behind me. It is not a thing of the past. It is not something I'll ever get over - even if I live to be 100. It is right here with me – every moment of every day, and that's exactly where it belongs.

In five years of grieving I have learned we can survive the unthinkable. In the beginning we survive for others. Then, very slowly we begin to survive for ourselves. In surviving my grief I have learned, only through the good I do for others in her name, will the beautiful spirit which is my precious Emily Hope, live forever. For the joy and honor of being part of Emily’s life, no matter how brief … for my countless blessings discovered along this journey through grief; and for my new perspective on life, revealed only by grieving Emily’s death – I am now, and will forever be unspeakably grateful.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Just for Today...



  • Just for today, I will try to make it through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my child’s death, but instead try to live with it - one day at a time.

  • Just for today, I will remember my child's life - not her death, and I will bask in the comfort of those treasured days and moments we shared.

  • Just for today, I will forgive all the family and friends who didn't help, or comfort me the way I needed them to - for they truly did not know how.

  • Just for today, I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside, so maybe my heart will soften, and I will begin to heal.

  • Just for today, I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child, for they are hurting too, and perhaps we can comfort each other.

  • Just for today, I will free myself from my burden of guilt - for deep in my heart I know that if there was anything in this world I could have done to save my child from death, I would have done it.

  • Just for today, I will honor my child's memory by doing something for another child, because I know that would have made my own child proud.

  • Just for today, I will offer my hand in friendship to another bereaved parent, for I do know how they feel.

  • Just for today, I will not compare myself with others. I am fortunate to be who I am, and to have had my child for as long as I did.


  • Just for today, I will try to be happy - for I know that I am not deserting my child, by continuing to live.

  • Just for today, when my heart feels like breaking, I will stop and remember Grief is the price we pay for loving - and the only reason I hurt, is because I have had the privilege of loving so much.

  • Just for today, I will try to accept that I did not die when my child did. My life goes on, and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more...

Thursday, August 28, 2008

The Rose Bud...



On your journey to heaven
Oh, littlest of angels,
I will forever give thanks
You came first to my arms,
Where you lay in warm sweetness
For the briefest of moments.

Not even the rosebud,
Nor the first crocus petal,
Could match the soft wonder of your small,
flowering face…

Though you lingered only briefly,
our torn hearts found comfort;
and your very presence
gave our sorrow grace.

Etched in our memories
To hold and to treasure
Are experiences we had not known;
These you gave in your innocence.

And oh, little darling,
We are richer by far,
To have held you a moment,
Than never to have held you at all.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Our Field of Loving Dreams


Butterflies dance across a field, in my mind.
You chase them and smile at me from between the wildflowers.
Your toothy toddler grin spreads wide, to grace me with joy.
Innocence shows in your eyes…
You laugh and I long to hold you,
to cuddle you close with the sigh of the wind.

The same wind lifts your baby hair,
Fragrant as the flowers you have played in,
soft as the kiss of your butterflies, and dark as the early night.
You smile into the sky and the rays of sun illuminate your profile.
You are fresh as a new day and
oh, how I love you!

We run together across our field,
chasing dragonflies and dreaming of fairies.
Holding hands, we dash across the rocks of a shallow stream,
and it is there in a clearing, that we dance.
Lifting you into my arms we whirl and turn,
Laughing and smiling, waltzing to the tune of the singing bluebirds.
We are one, you and I
Free to hold each other, free to love -
Until I place you gently on the ground, and step away.

For a moment, we hold hands.
For a moment, we gaze at each other.
For a moment, time stands still for both of us.
And then you are gone-
And I am here in my reality.
I can still feel your tiny fingers squeezing my hand.
I can still smell the wildflowers blending with your baby scent.
I can still hear your laughter rushing around me like our shallow stream.
I can still feel your little body cradled in my aching arms.

But I know too, that you will be here waiting for me
whenever I need you.
Here in our field of loving dreams -
Where reality fades away in the distance.
Where we are free to dance with the butterflies -
Where we can run, chasing dragonflies and dreaming of fairies;
and where I can hold you once again,
Just as I would have -
If you had lived.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

"Welcome to Holland"

This article was passed on to me during our "Emily days" last year by a very dear friend, who had endured the deaths of a daughter 40 years ago and a special needs grandson, very recently. My friend died very unexpectedly a few months ago, leaving a significant void in my life - but the lessons he taught me in our time together, I will treasure in my heart always.




"Welcome to Holland"
By Emily Pearl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability or a parent who has endured a loss, to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to imagine how it would feel. For me,it's like this:


When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. You'll see The Coliseum, The Michelangelo David, The gondolas in Venice...You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting. After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go! Several hours later, the plane lands. The flight attendant comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
... "Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy - I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy!" But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland, and there you must stay.
The important thing is, they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So now, you must go out and buy new guide books. You must learn a whole new language... And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. "Holland" is a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy... less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around and begin to notice that Holland has windmills, and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts!
Still, everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That is what I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss. But - if you spend your life mourning the fact you didn't get to Italy, you will never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things... about Holland.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Emily's 5th Birthday...

Today is my Sweet Emily's 5th Birthday, and I can hardly imagine it has been five years since she came into our lives. Emily was such an amazing gift to our family, and I know she continues to bless my life in ways I can not begin to describe. As Emily's birthday has approached, I have found myself reflecting on the words of John F. Kennedy: "To those whom much is given, much is required." I have been given so much with the gift of Emily's presence in my life. I know my life and my world are both richer, because Emily has been a part of it; and so I hope I live up to the expectations set forth by Kennedy's words. I know how much I try...

This is a time of much reflection for me. As we celebrate our "Emily days", it has always been my belief that as Molly and Katie grow up, they should remember this week as being a happy week in our home. We honor Emily's memory by choosing to celebrate her life, instead of focusing on her death. There will undoubtedly be grieving for each of us, but I have been here in this "grieving place" long enough to say with confidence, I am no longer wrestling with my grief. It is no longer the unwelcome guest it once was in my life. With time, my grief has taught me if I am not careful, I can clutch so tightly to the past, it leaves my arms too full to embrace the present. I am thankful beyond explanation, for the gift of this knowledge.

Happy Birthday, my Sweet Emily....I love you with every breath of my being. I am forever blessed for having known the gift that was you. I miss you terribly, and the beautiful person you would have become; but my life is richer because you were part of this world, if only for a brief moment. My precious child, I promise you as long as I can, I will gaze at this wonderful world for both of us. As long as I can, I will laugh with the birds... I will sing with the flowers...and I will pray to the heavens, for both of us.


Celebration


This day will be a celebration
of the short time you were here.
You are remembered my child,
with great love, and also -
sometimes with tears.
But to feel only pain and sorrow
would not be fair to you.
Your life meant so much more to me-
more than I ever knew.

You were here so very briefly
I wonder if you know -
all the ways you've touched my life
since the day God called you home.
You're an angel now, my child
with our heavenly Father above -
And I see not only what I've lost,
but my capacity to love...

There will always be a void in my life -
and my soul will grieve forever.
But will I ever forget, or stop loving you?
No, not now - not ever.

So as this day has come upon me,
oh, how my heart still hurts -
But even as I mourn your death,
I celebrate your birth.