"Welcome to Holland"

This article was passed on to me during our "Emily days" last year by a very dear friend, who had endured the deaths of a daughter 40 years ago and a special needs grandson, very recently. My friend died very unexpectedly a few months ago, leaving a significant void in my life - but the lessons he taught me in our time together, I will treasure in my heart always.

"Welcome to Holland"

By Emily Pearl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability or a parent who has endured a loss, to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to imagine how it would feel. For me,it's like this:

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. You'll see The Coliseum, The Michelangelo David, The gondolas in Venice...You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting. After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go! Several hours later, the plane lands. The flight attendant comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

... "Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy - I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy!" But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland, and there you must stay.

The important thing is, they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So now, you must go out and buy new guide books. You must learn a whole new language... And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. "Holland" is a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy... less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around and begin to notice that Holland has windmills, and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts!

Still, everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That is what I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss. But - if you spend your life mourning the fact you didn't get to Italy, you will never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things... about Holland.

Emily's 5th Birthday...

Today is my Sweet Emily's 5th Birthday, and I can hardly imagine it has been five years since she came into our lives. Emily was such an amazing gift to our family, and I know she continues to bless my life in ways I can not begin to describe. As Emily's birthday has approached, I have found myself reflecting on the words of John F. Kennedy: "To those whom much is given, much is required." I have been given so much with the gift of Emily's presence in my life. I know my life and my world are both richer, because Emily has been a part of it; and so I hope I live up to the expectations set forth by Kennedy's words. I know how much I try...

This is a time of much reflection for me. As we celebrate our "Emily days", it has always been my belief that as Molly and Katie grow up, they should remember this week as being a happy week in our home. We honor Emily's memory by choosing to celebrate her life, instead of focusing on her death. There will undoubtedly be grieving for each of us, but I have been here in this "grieving place" long enough to say with confidence, I am no longer wrestling with my grief. It is no longer the unwelcome guest it once was in my life. With time, my grief has taught me if I am not careful, I can clutch so tightly to the past, it leaves my arms too full to embrace the present. I am thankful beyond explanation, for the gift of this knowledge.

Happy Birthday, my Sweet Emily....I love you with every breath of my being. I am forever blessed for having known the gift that was you. I miss you terribly, and the beautiful person you would have become; but my life is richer because you were part of this world, if only for a brief moment. My precious child, I promise you as long as I can, I will gaze at this wonderful world for both of us. As long as I can, I will laugh with the birds... I will sing with the flowers...and I will pray to the heavens, for both of us.

Celebration

This day will be a celebration

of the short time you were here.

You are remembered my child,

with great love, and also -

sometimes with tears.

But to feel only pain and sorrow

would not be fair to you.

Your life meant so much more to me-

more than I ever knew.

You were here so very briefly

I wonder if you know -

all the ways you've touched my life

since the day God called you home.

You're an angel now, my child

with our heavenly Father above -

And I see not only what I've lost,

but my capacity to love...

There will always be a void in my life -

and my soul will grieve forever.

But will I ever forget, or stop loving you?

No, not now - not ever.

So as this day has come upon me,

oh, how my heart still hurts -

But even as I mourn your death,

I celebrate your birth.

I measure every grief

I measure every grief I meet

With analytic eyes;

I wonder if it weighs like mine,

Or has an easier size.

I wonder if they bore it long,

Or did it just begin?

I could not tell the date of mine,

It feels so old a pain.

I wonder if it hurts to live,

And if they have to try,

And whether, could they choose between,

Would they not rather die.

I wonder if when years have piled--

Some thousands--on the cause

Of early hurt, if such a lapse

Could give them any pause;

Or would they go on aching still

Through centuries above,

Enlightened to a larger pain

By contrast with the love.

The grieved are many, I am told;

The reason deeper lies,

Death is but one and comes but once

And only nails the eyes.

There's grief of want, and grief of cold,

A sort they call 'despair,'

There's banishment from native eyes,

In sight of native air.

And though I may not guess the kind

Correctly yet to me

A piercing comfort it affords

In passing Calvary,

To note the fashions of the cross

Of those that stand alone

Still fascinated to presume

That some are like my own.

- Emily Dickinson

Carrot, Egg or Coffee Bean...

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life, and how things were so difficult for her. She said she did not know how she was going to make it, and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling, and it seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose. Her mother took her into the kitchen, and she filled three pots with water. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and the last she placed coffee beans. Then, she let them sit and boil without saying a word. A short while later she turned off the burners, fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She then pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter she asked "Tell me, what do you see?" "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," The daughter replied. She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots, and she did and noted that they were soft. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee, and her daughter grinned as she savored its rich flavor. The daughter asked what all of this meant...

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity - the boiling water; but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. But after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its soft interior. But after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became stiff and hardened. However, the coffee beans were unique. After they faced the boiling water they had actually changed the water. Through adversity, they had become something lovely. "Which are you?" she asked her daughter. When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?

Are you like the carrot that seems strong - but with pain and adversity, do you wilt and become soft, losing your strength? Are you like the egg that starts with a soft heart, but changes with the heat? Did you have a fluid spirit - but after death, a hardship or some other trial becomes hardened and stiff? Does your shell look the same, but on the inside are you tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart? Or am you like the coffee bean that actually changes the water… the very circumstance that brings the pain. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst you get better and you change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are at their greatest, are you able to elevate and rise to another level? ... How do you handle Adversity? Are you a Carrot, an Egg, or a Coffee Bean?

Molly's 9th Birthday...

Today is Molly's 9th Birthday, and it seems almost impossible to imagine she is this grown up. She loves horses, Disney, Hannah Montana and spending time with her friends. Over the past couple of weeks I have noticed her voice is changing, and she has lost that "child like" sound she used to carry. When we speak on the phone, it's almost like I'm talking to an adult. She is super-sensitive, and easily frustrated - with Katie especially. All around through, she is the greatest big kid I have ever known. Now officially a "tween", I am in awe that it will be only 7 more years until she is driving and we are exactly 1/2 way to adulthood. Happy Birthday Darling Molly....... I love you more than you can possibly imagine! Xoxoxox, Mommy

Katie's 4th Birthday....

August 17th 2004 was one of the most amazing days of my life. It was the day my 3rd daughter was born, and because I was under general anesthesia when Molly and Emily were born, it was also the only time I ever heard my baby's first cry. Even four years later, I get choked up thinking about that moment. Kate was due on August 25th 2004, but as it was to be my Emily's 1st birthday (and knowing the mixed emotions we would undoubtedly have) we felt Kate - being her own special person - deserved her own special day! We could not have been more accurate! I planned a repeat c-section for 9:00am on August 17th 2004, avoiding also Molly's birthday on August 19th. It goes without saying the birth of any child is a miracle, but to finally bring home a healthy baby following two consecutive losses was beyond a miracle for me. The picture above was taken almost at the exact moment they put Kate into my arms for the first time, and I think we spent the next hour crying together! --- I was crying for joy, but I'm still not she what she was crying about! I am thankful beyond explanation for my healthy daughter, and never do I take one moment of her life for granted. Happy Birthday to my "Rainbow Baby" Katie. THANK YOU for coming into my life, and helping in so many ways to heal my heart. You bring me joy beyond explanation, and my life is richer because of every moment spent with you.

A Different Child

People notice there's a special glow around you.
You grow surrounded by love, never doubting you are wanted…
Only look at the pride and joy in your Mother’s eyes.

And if sometimes between her smiles there’s a trace of tears,

One day you will understand.
You will understand there was once another child, a different child
who was in her hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow her baby clothes.

That child will never keep her up at night.

In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all -

Except sometimes, in a silent moment

when that mother misses so much, her different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly,

and may you learn the lessons forever

of how infinitely precious, and how infinitely fragile

is this life on earth.

One day, as a young woman you may see another mother's tears.

Then you, and you alone will understand

and offer her the greatest comfort…
When all hope seems lost, you will tell her with great compassion

"I understand how you must feel-

I am only here because my mother had the courage
to try again."

The "people trap" built by a mouse...

We are home from Disney World, which is the place my oldest and dearest friend refers to as "The people trap built by a mouse". I am now convinced she is correct. We had the most wonderful time, although I will be the first to admit that seven days at Disney theme parks by myself with an almost 9 and almost 4 year old is WAY too much! Next time we will do the "park hopper pass" and stay for only 5 days. Below are a few photos, and brief explanations - as we had Waaaaaaayyy to much fun to discuss it all here. Anyone who wishes to have further details should just call me and I'll be glad to tell you all about it!



This is the Spectromagic parade. I am amazed at how much my girls still love people - in BIG costumes! I was nearly deaf at the end of every parade because both girls were screaming to the characters as they were waving. My favorite though was Kate screaming "Mer-ry-wea-der" to the Fairy God Mother "Merryweather" from Sleeping Beauty. I was also amazed that my children knew EVERY character! I knew they were well versed in Disney trivia, but to get EVERY character correct really surprised me! Kate commented to one lady at the airport yesterday "Did you know Mickey Mouse is really real? .....It's true, he is - and he is HUGE!!!"

This is a great picture of Molly and Kate at Disney Hollywood studios - formerly known as MGM. Molly is in her Jasmine costume, and Kate is in her Minnie Mouse. It was hot and Kate was getting tired - but they were still having fun.

This is Molly having her "Princess Makeover" inside Cinderella's castle. I TOTALLY recommend this experience, as it was FABULOUS! She was Pocahontas, and was having her "Fairy Godmother in training" compare her make up colors to that of Pocahontas on her costume. Molly is VERY detail oriented and wanted to make SURE she looked JUST like the character.

This is just a GREAT picture of my girls on splash mountain. By day six, Kat was tired of having her photo taken - obviously.

Above is Kate's finished makeover. She was SO sweet and SO adorable. Her hair was pulled up so tight though, it only lasted about an hour and a half before she pulled it down. Still, I got a BUNCH of great pictures before she got hold of it...

Sweet Molly's makeover lasted the whole day. They put a hair piece on her head and she just thought that was fabulous. She looked beautiful, and she felt beautiful. She is SUCH a little lady.

This is the last photo I'm posting for today: it's of the girls meeting Kate's hero, Cinderella. Kate and Molly both got a lot of attention, being all dressed up. People were asking to take their pictures and everything.... Molly especially got the attention, because she was the only Pocahontas they had ever done, in a full year of being open at the boutique! She thought that was great. The park "cast members" (They're NOT to be called employees) all greeted the girls as "princess" or "Cinderella/Pocahontas" and by day two, Kate was sick of it! She actually got ticked at one point and said to one cast member "WHY does everyone keep calling me that?!?!? I'm Katie! Just-Plain- KATIE !!!!!" .....Molly, of course - loved the attention.

We hit all four theme parks and every single ride at Magic Kingdom (except for space mountain) at least twice! By Tuesday (The last day) we were all tired. Molly had a GREAT idea and said "Mom, lets just go on 'laid back' kinds of rides today, OK? ...Lets hit Small world - it's pretty laid back." I agreed - and Kate (in a disgusted tone) interrupted almost immediately by saying "What are you guys talking about?!?!? Small world isn't "Laid Back".... Haunted Mansion is "Laid Back" - remember?!?!?" *for those who do not know, the haunted mansion ride tips you backwards at a 45 degree angle for a portion of the ride... making it literally "laid back"! That moment was one of the best parts of the trip for me. One of the other best parts was when Molly and I each had a frozen raspberry lemonade at the rain forest cafe while Kate was napping. She was asleep for nearly 3 hours, and Molly commented "For a little while, it was like it was just the two of us on vacation, and it was really nice." She was correct. We shared a "big people" afternoon together, and I was reminded of how grown up my little girl actually is. It was bitter sweet...

All in all, we had a wonderfully fun and exhausting trip. I am back to work today and just trying to make it through the day - until I can nap after Molly's cheerleading practice this evening. I have SO much to do and absolutely no time to do it in....